This day brings a lot of emotion for me. Hank's Heaven day. Hank is my first nephew... my first love! Ever since my sister gave me that little slip of paper that said "you're going to be the world's greatest Aunt" my world has changed. I immediately framed that little piece of paper and anxiously awaited the arrival of my sweet nephew. I loved him SO much! I got so excited and with each ultrasound picture my heart grew bigger and bigger.
When Marsha was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome and was told the only thing they could do to help her and her son was to do an emergency c-section at 28 weeks, my world stopped. I was in the room with her when the doctor told Marsha this. I was immediately sick to my stomach. I tried to be strong and brave for her, but I couldn't hold back my tears. I prayed with her and we cried. When Hank was delivered we were so relieved and grateful to hear that he was doing good and breathing on his own. He was strong and handsome! We were so proud of him! He was impressing the doctors and doing very well until this day one year ago, Jesus called him home. This day one year ago was the only time I got to see my sweet nephew. As scary as it was, I was so glad I got the chance to touch his little arm and say goodbye to him. I will never forget the sweet softness of his skin.
These are two of my favorite pictures of him:
On this day I rejoice because it's the day sweet Hank got to meet our Lord and Savior. He is HOME and for that I praise Jesus. Though my heart hurts and misses him, I know that the day I meet Jesus will be all the more sweet because of him. He always has my heart and I think of him every single day. I look at his sweet face in a picture I have near my mirror and I am reminded that I must live my life in a way that gives Glory and honor to Jesus.
God is Merciful
I was in a pretty deep state of depression over the loss of my sweet nephew. I knew it shouldn't be that way. I tried to be strong for my family, but in the comfort of my shower I cried every day. I struggled because I wasn't allowed to go see him while he was in the NICU and I just wanted to be able to see him and talk to him. I know he wasn't my son and I can never comprehend the loss Marsha and Nathan felt, but in my mind if felt as though I had lost a child. I so deeply loved this boy from the time he was just a little dot on the screen I affectionately called Feticus. I knew he was safe in Jesus' arms but I just MISSED him so much!
There is Hope
I was in my classroom early one morning when I got a phone call from my sister. She told me that she had taken a pregnancy test and that there was a faint blue line- HOPE! Through my tears I asked... does that mean you could be pregnant? She said yes, there was a possibility. Immediately I felt overjoyed. I was so happy that God was sending me another niece or nephew to love on.
My Saving Grace
"Break my heart, dear Lord. Tear the barriers down. Show me Father, where to start, and gently break my heart." I have always loved singing that song at church camp. I never knew how true it was. My heart was not broken gently, it was shattered. I never knew losing Hank and my grandmother would create such a violent storm and turmoil within me that it would catapult me straight into the arms of God's grace. God knew I needed hope. He knew Marsha and Nathan needed hope. He knew our family needed hope. God never leaves us in despair. That faint blue line was my saving grace. A way out of my depression and into happiness and God's glory. Just about every two weeks I got a sonogram picture. I cherished every single one. I loved watching that dot grow bigger and bigger. When we found out it was a girl we knew for sure that this little package was absolutely specifically designed to show Marsha and Nathan, and all of our family that God is MERCIFUL!! And that He loves us so much! You'll have to read my sister's blog if you want to find out the amazing story of grace and mercy God has woven into this little girl. Lorabelle Lynn, my saving grace : )
That sweet little girl is coming to see me tomorrow and I can hardly contain my joy! I know that every day is a blessing and I intend to make sure my niece knows that she is so loved and without her, Auntie wouldn't be overflowing with joy! I will never take advantage of a chance to see my sweet girl, and tell her I love her every chance I get! I think that God has given me this overwhelming love for my nephew and niece because He knows the desires of my heart. Ever since I was little, all I ever wanted was to be a mom. I feel like that is what I am supposed to do with my life, be a really good mom. That's why God gave me my sweet niece and nephew to share my love with and when the time comes I will share it with my own kids as well!
